After All

I miss writing. Really writing, not just posting short status updates or tidbits on Facebook. This space seems to be the only corner of the internet where I can bare my soul, but even that has become more difficult of late.

When I first started blogging, I had virtually no visitors and only a few people who were very close to me knew how to find this site. That made it a little easier to share my feelings without worrying about being judged. As time went on my coworkers, friends, family, and people I went to church with began to learn of this space and make comments to me about things I had written.

Although they were almost always positive reactions, thinking that everything I was writing might be dissected under some imagined magnifying glass made it much harder for me to share my feelings. Still I continued, hoping that sharing my experiences as a gay man might change hearts and minds.

I even recently added my blog’s address to my Facebook profile – giving scores of people instant access to some of my most private thoughts and ponderings. Several friends from my school days sent messages to congratulate me for living my life openly or to express their emotional reactions to my coming out story. I felt honored and privileged to be able to share an important aspect of my life with them after all these years.

But, as they say, there’s always another side to the story.

I feel more exposed than ever. This space feels overwhelmingly self-gratuitous (although not nearly so much as Facebook). There are too many topics that feel off-limits for me to discuss – like problems with church, family, and friends. Those things would be easy to write about if I were back in the original bliss of blogging anonymity, but alas, those days are long gone.

Still, I refuse to give up on this endeavor. Even though I’m not that good at it, I love writing. I enjoy creating something out of thin air and sharing it with complete strangers. I like the notion that something I write might change one single mind and make the world a safer place for the next generation.

I also hope that I’ve captured enough of myself in this blog that someday when I’m dead and gone, this will be my digital version of “Brian was here” – a testimony to the fact that despite our differences, we’re really not so different after all.

Author: Brian

Blogger. Bookworm. Michael Jackson fanatic. Lives in Kentucky with partner of 12 years and three fabulous felines.

9 thoughts on “After All”

  1. Brian,

    I think you are an excellent writer, and your love for writing shows. I am one of those ‘complete strangers’ who stumbled across your blog and whose mind you changed. I, for one, am grateful for your digital “Brian was here” vulnerability.

    JimT

  2. Hello Brian,
    I’m another stranger who came here by chance. And I must agree to JimT – you’re a wonderful writer. Your posts often express a deeper truth about things, and an insight which shows the readers new perspectives. So thank you for writing, I’m sure that there are many “silent readers” out there who appreciate your honest words like we do.
    Anke

  3. @ JimT: I don’t think your “stumbling across my blog” was by chance; you’ve changed my mind on things as well. (Our church is still looking for a pastor, by the way. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.)

    @ Anke: Thank you so much! I visited your beautiful blog and tried to post a comment but got an error.

  4. I completely understand your feelings. I have felt the same way about censoring myself after giving my blog address to a select few friends. I also have been censoring myself more since your outed yout blog address on facebook and it wouldn’t be hard for a mutual aquaintance to find my blog from yours. I miss writing too, but lately I haven’t had time or energy to do it.

  5. “Really writing, not just posting short status updates or tidbits on Facebook. This space seems to be the only corner of the internet where I can bare my soul…”
    So true! Twitter and Facebook updates are fun… but surface. It takes more to write in a blog… the type of writing that shares what is going on. I was so glad you stopped by my blog again because I hadn’t exchanged comments w/ you in so long this was a good reminder.
    It is so true also that it get harder to write if those “close” to us know how to access it and read it. A blog seems like it should be one of those safe havens where you can process what is going on in your world. I have sometimes done that. I am mindful of the idea though that others may eventually discover it.
    What you address here is exactly why I don’t have my blog address on my FB! I only have a couple closer blog friends that happen to be on my FB… but they know how to keep it compartmentalized.
    Thank you for sharing this… I think I rambled quite a bit here. Take care!

  6. It is hard! I like to think of my blog as my online journal but yes, sometimes it’s hard to write when those that you are writing about may stumble across it. I could have an entire blog dedicated to the crazy in my life but I fear they just might click one day and oops.

    It’s a careful balancing act and somedays, when crazy is consuming my life, I can’t think of anything else to write about other than that. Frustrating since I think it would be cleansing to purge it on the blog. If you find the solution, let me know. I struggle as well.

  7. @ bridgeout: Ramble away, sister! =) I was so apprehensive about posting my blog address on Facebook that I skimmed through over 900 entries just to make sure I wasn’t going to offend anyone. I consider it a success that my mother and sister are still talking to me. :P

    @ Chris: I don’t know what the solution is either. I also have days when all I can think about is whatever drama is going on in my life and I so desperately want to write just to get it out of my head. I’ve considered posting private entries, but being able to get feedback from others is usually the most beneficial thing that can happen.

  8. I miss writing, too. We started out on this journey together, in a way. I rarely post on knownknowns anymore; I have more to say on brainscramble. I think there are just some people who are WRITERS. You are one of them. You have to write. It may be good, bad, or ugly, but it’s part of you. I’ll keep coming back.

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