I miss writing. Really writing, not just posting short status updates or tidbits on Facebook. This space seems to be the only corner of the internet where I can bare my soul, but even that has become more difficult of late.
When I first started blogging, I had virtually no visitors and only a few people who were very close to me knew how to find this site. That made it a little easier to share my feelings without worrying about being judged. As time went on my coworkers, friends, family, and people I went to church with began to learn of this space and make comments to me about things I had written.
Although they were almost always positive reactions, thinking that everything I was writing might be dissected under some imagined magnifying glass made it much harder for me to share my feelings. Still I continued, hoping that sharing my experiences as a gay man might change hearts and minds.
I even recently added my blog’s address to my Facebook profile – giving scores of people instant access to some of my most private thoughts and ponderings. Several friends from my school days sent messages to congratulate me for living my life openly or to express their emotional reactions to my coming out story. I felt honored and privileged to be able to share an important aspect of my life with them after all these years.
But, as they say, there’s always another side to the story.
I feel more exposed than ever. This space feels overwhelmingly self-gratuitous (although not nearly so much as Facebook). There are too many topics that feel off-limits for me to discuss – like problems with church, family, and friends. Those things would be easy to write about if I were back in the original bliss of blogging anonymity, but alas, those days are long gone.
Still, I refuse to give up on this endeavor. Even though I’m not that good at it, I love writing. I enjoy creating something out of thin air and sharing it with complete strangers. I like the notion that something I write might change one single mind and make the world a safer place for the next generation.
I also hope that I’ve captured enough of myself in this blog that someday when I’m dead and gone, this will be my digital version of “Brian was here” – a testimony to the fact that despite our differences, we’re really not so different after all.